Don’t Look Back, She Said

Do you believe in true love? I do. And I truly wanted to believe that I had found it; he was mine, I was his, we were meant for one another. I gave it my very all, every essence of my being. Blood. Sweat. Tears.

What I came to realize was that my BEing was evolving, and our souls were no longer connecting. I know he wanted to make a soul connection as much as he was able. I know he loved me, as he knew love.

But that didn’t altar my evolution.

Not even I could stop, change or most often times, even understand what was happening for me.

I simply kept metamorphosing.

I liked my new self. I could see parts of myself changing and I liked it. There was new wisdom in my eyes, new “knowledge” in my senses. I had a keener sense of smell, touch, intuition.

The information came to me in ways I hadn’t tapped into before.

Like the call of the wild, a yearning of freedom pulsed through my veins. At first, I wanted, and even tried to share with him the intricate nuances of life that were suddenly making themselves known to me. I could see through the binary data of the common-life into a universe that called to me.

I know it sounds hokey, but that’s what it felt like, what it does feel like, even now.

I used to want to meet “my person” so badly, I’d mold myself into being more of what my partner wanted, rather than being myself. I felt my ability to match him was proof enough of the harmonious connection, but my inner spirit always willed itself out eventually.

You see, as much as I am a nurturer, a lover, a friend and I enjoyed domesticating, I was cutting myself short, choosing partners that met me in my current circumstances but not in the larger picture of my soul self.

Over time I realized I was indeed aligning with kindred spirits, but not ‘the one.’

We can align with partners we have profound exchanges with, often people we work out karma with, other souls who are also learning along the way. We are kindred spirits on the karmic time line, uniquely aligned for very specific life lessons.

Some will match us as well as we match them. They really DO get our growth, our magic, our creative as well as a destructive side; for creation and destruction are one in the same; the great dance of life. They see the visions that you see and encourage you to have faith in your process, to accept your story, to transcend beyond the wounds of your past and morph them into superpowers.

Another might trigger a wound within you, or you within them, so that an awakening, a healing takes place. But they may not always be the one who will be there after the metamorphosis.

A true partner, however, will stand by as you might crash to the ground in a pile of ashes, but knows full well that you’re going to rise up like a mother-f*ckin Phoenix, and they WANT to be there, fanning your flames, even if your light is a thousand times brighter than theirs. They don’t feel threatened by your life-force, nor condemn or compete, they accept your light as YOU and if they do question or challenge you, it feels like love.

There is a lot of talk these days about karmic, soulmate and twin flame relationships. At any given time, I have felt I had aligned with my soulmate or twin-flame, only to learn that one or both of us were simply working out karma, learning lessons and moving on.

Whichever this union was, will reveal itself over time, but for that moment, it was time to let go.

This was hard for me to accept that it was time to move on. I loved him, still do. I love his family and his spirit and his charisma and his energy. But no matter how much I tried to hide my light, make myself small to meet his narrative of me, I felt as if this energy within me was going to spontaneously combust.

Everyday became a struggle for oxygen.

You see, I wasn’t a comparison shopper, I didn’t necessarily believe that he was easily replaceable, or that there were “so many fish in the sea”, there’s another one on the next bus. I so very much wanted to stay, make it work, make it forever, tell a “true love” story.

But it was impossible. For as much as I wanted to forge that fairy tale, he did not see me. He could not see, nor accept my growth, my desires, my vision. He wanted me to just “blend in”, he said. Every creative vision I had, he tore down. Every aspiration I had, he condemned to failure.

In retrospect, I know he spoke from a place of fear, from a place uncertainty. He was content in his comfort zone and I was a disruptor. I could not comply, no matter how much I wanted to or tried.

Trust me, I knew I had it easy. I wanted for nothing. Accept oxygen.

My soul was starving.

So. I left. With all my inner strength I left. I knew, in my core and in my heart, that he and I had gone as far as we could. We had evolved together as much as we were able. We worked out a LOT of karma, and whoa was it epic, but no matter how BIG that love was, I had a lot more work on this planet that I needed to do.

If you have a calling, no comfort zone will be able to hold you for long.